WE ARE NOT UMEMPLOYED
by Nukid
Summary: Sequel to WE ARE NOT CRAZY. After being deemed crazy the Akatsuki have now been forced to find jobs. Can Nukid find them their dream jobs or will they succumb to poverty? Probably
1. Chapter 1

It's here everyone. The sequel you've been waiting for. Welcome to the first chapter of WE ARE NOT UMEMPLOYED

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It had been a month since the Akatsuki had been deemed crazy by Dr Nukid, but just because a guys crazy doesn't mean he can't work so the Akatsuki have been forced to get themselves jobs

The Akatsuki walk to the job centre grumbling at the fact they had to do this. They go inside and stand in the queue. Which looked like it would take forever

Kisame: 'Jesus Christ how long is this line?'

Sasori: 'If you think this is bad, trying being in a queue when the Wii came out'

_Flasback 2 years ago_

Sasori was waiting in line to buy a Wii but the queue was huge

Sasori: 'Man this will take forever'

Suddenly a man who worked at the shop came out

Worker: 'Sorry people but we've ran out of Wii

Everyone: 'NOOOOOOOOOOOO'

Worker: 'But don't worry, there are still loads of PS3 available…….hey where did everyone go?'

_End Flashback_

Pein: 'O.k. everyone. It's obvious that this queue will take forever. So to keep ourselves entertained we will take turn fucking Konan, starting with me. Konan get in the doggy position'

_5 hours later_

Deidara: 'Jesus Christ how long will it take hmmm'

Itachi: 'Sir I've got an idea'

Pein: 'What is it?'

Itachi: 'Well seeing as Deidara has tourette's maybe there'll let us go in front because of his syndrome'

Deidara: 'NOT THIS CRAP AGAIN, I DO NOT HAVE TOURETTES HMMM!!'

Pein: 'That's a great idea Itachi'

Itachi: 'Thank you sir. Can I have a raise?'

Pein: 'Do you still hate DragonBall Z?'

Itachi: 'Umm yes'

Pein: 'THEN FUCK YOU DBZ HATER!!'

Everyone in the Akatsuki went to the front and joined the queue for special needs people

Hidan: 'What the fuck? There's a queue here as well?'

The woman in front turns to them

Woman: 'Loads of special needs people can get jobs now. Today my son gonna get his first ever job

Son: 'Bling ding do dee I'm gonna be an astronaut zip zip zee'

Zetsu: 'That's it, stand back guys I'll solve our problem'

Zetsu charges the queue and in one go Zetsu ate everyone in front of them

Kakuzu: '……Wow…what do retards taste like Zetsu?'

Zetsu: 'Taste like Chicken'

Konan: 'Aren't we short of chicken at home?'

Everyone stares at Deidara

Deidara: 'What? Why are you all looking at me…..Tobi…..stop biting my leg….'

Tobi: 'It does taste like chicken!'

Pein: 'Hey we're in front now'

Pein walks to the front desk followed by everyone else only to find no one there

Pein: 'Uh hello anyone here?'

Nukid pops from under the table

Nukid: 'Hello guys'

Everyone: 'AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH'

Sasori: 'Nukid, what are you doing here?!'

Nukid: 'What does it look like to you, I work here'

Kisame: 'But you're a doctor'

Nukid: 'I told you I'm a lot of things. Anyway aren't you glad to see me guys'

Pein: 'Glad to see you? It was you who deemed us crazy. It was you who forced us to get jobs and it was you who killed Winnie the Pooh'

Tobi: 'WHY NUKID WHY?!'

Nukid: 'Calm down guys. I'm here to help move on from that and further your careers. I mean thanks to me Orochimaru has gotten his own single'

_Flashback 2 months ago_

Cameraman: 'Ready Mr Orochimaru?'

Orochimaru: 'Sure am'

Producer: 'O.k. 3,2,1 action

**Snake in the butt**

**By Orochimaru**

_breath... breath... breath... breath _

_I said what what in the butt __  
__I said what what in the butt __  
__I said what what in the butt __  
__I said what what in the butt _

_You want a snake in the butt, in the butt __  
__You want a snake in the butt, in the butt __  
__You want a snake in the butt, in the butt _

_Lets put it in the butt...okay _

_I feel you watching me, _

_over there __come to me, _

_if you care __Don't sit and stare _

_It's just not fair _

_Make your move, if you dare _

_What, what _

_I said what what in the butt __  
__I said what what in the butt __  
__I said what what in the butt __  
__I said what what in the butt _

_You want a snake in the butt, in the butt __  
__You want a snake in the butt, in the butt __  
__You want a snake in the butt, in the butt _

_Lets put it in the butt...okay _

_It's okay, to have a little fright _

_Don't you worry, It wont bite ( not that hard ) _

_If you want it, I'll give you power _

_Just be gentle, __It's delicate like a flower _

_I said what what in the butt __  
__I said what what in the butt __  
__I said what what in the butt __  
__I said what what in the butt _

_You want a snake in the butt, in the butt __  
__You want a snake in the butt, in the butt_

_You want a snake in the butt, in the butt_

_Let me put it in the butt….okay_

_  
__This ain't fake_

_It's a big fat snake you_

_I'll Give it to you, if you please __  
__I'll Give it to you, if you please __This ain't fake_

_It's a big fat snake you_

_I'll Give it to you, if you please __  
__I'll Give it to you, if you please_

_what what...in the butt_

_  
__I said what what in the butt __  
__I said what what in the butt __  
__I said what what in the butt _

_You want a snake in the butt, in the butt __  
__You want a snake in the butt, in the butt_

_You want a snake in the butt, in the butt_

_Let me put it in the butt….okay_

_breath...breath...breath_

_End flashback_

Nukid: 'I don't know why he wanted to show that on Cartoon Network, but anyway I'm telling you I can help your careers a lot. Just trust me okay?'

Pein: 'O.k. Nukid you better be right'

Nukid: 'Trust me about this, you guys are gonna have the time of your life HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA'

Kisame: 'What are you doing Nukid?'

Nukid: 'Sorry, evil moment'

**Good start I say. Stay tuned**


	2. Konan and Kakuza

Hey everyone. I am so so so so so so so so so so sorry I haven't updated in 4 months, but things like college and other stories give me less time but here it is. You will notice the change in writing style. I may replace the current chapters to that style. Fortunately it'll have no effect. Enjoy

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Nukid and Konan are seen walking down a dark and city looking street filled with supicious looking people

'Err Nukid what are we doing here?' Konan asked

'Konan in order for you to have a successful career you must do a job you're talented at, and what are you very good at?' Nukid asked rhetorically

'Turning myself into paper and using it as a weapon'

'Oh yea there's that too but no I mean the fact that you get raped by just about everyone. That's why you're gonna be a prostitiue, but not just any, you'll be the woman to break the world record for most times fucked in a day!' Nukid explained

'What's the world record now?'

'523, held by Britney Spears, but with you I'm aiming 600. NOW LET'S GO!!'

**5 minutes later….**

In 5 minutes a queue spanning 5 miles long was created waiting to get into a small room

'Come one and all to fuck Konan! A once in a lifetime opportunity……O.k. it's not once in a lifetime but hey at least you don't have to look for her' Nukid preached to the queue. Nukid then leaned into the room where Konan was in 'let's do this Konan. Tell me when you need more condoms. LET'S GET FUCKING'

'I'm first' Axel said as he was first in the queue

'Dude you fuck her all the time why you so eager?' Nukid asked

'I'm like a train kid I rarely stop' Axel said smoothly

'Whatever just get in there. The only reason you're in this fic because one of my friends made you two a pairing' Nukid grumbled

'All right!!' Axel then ran in and did his business

'It'll be tough, but you can do it Konan, I believe in you'

**Risin' up, back on the street  
Did my time, took my chances  
Went the distance, now I'm back under the sheets  
Just a woman and her will to survive**

After 106 in the queue had done there 'business' with Konan Axel appears again at the front of the queue

'Me again' Axel cheered

'Dude how did you get into the front so quickly?' Nukid asked

'When you can light a guy on fire, it's a whole lot easier. Now let me in will ya' Axel said as he ran into Konans room

**So many times, it happens too fast  
You change your passion for glory  
Don't lose your grip on the dreams of the past  
You must fight just to keep them alive**

After 328 a woman was at the front of the queue

'Excuse me madam can I help you?' Nukid asked politely

'Yea you can let me please' the woman said as she pointed into Konans room

'Oh….well I don't think Konan would want to do it with another girl' Nukid told her

'I'll give you a £100 if you let me in' the woman wagered

'Hmm I don't know' Nukid said unsure

'Fine, I'll videotape us two doing it'

'SOLD! GET IN THERE GIRL!!'

**It's the eye of the tiger, it's the cream of the fight  
Risin' up to the challenge of our rival  
And the last known survivor stalks her prey in the night  
And he's watchin' us all in the eye of the tiger**

At 500 Stewie from Family Guy came along

'Hey Stewie. What do you want?' Nukid asked

'Are you retarded. I want to get in there' Stewie growled

'Aren't you a bit young?'

'Do you really care?'

'To be honest…nah' Nukid sighed

**Face to face, out in the heat  
Hangin' tough, stayin' hungry  
They stack the odds 'til we take to the street  
For we kill with the skill to survive**

At 599 Axel appeared once again

'Here I come Konan' Axel cheered running straight in

'That has to the hundredth time he's been. The guy's a living sperm bank'

**Risin' up, straight to the top  
Have the guts, got the glory  
Went the distance, now I'm not gonna stop  
Just a womman and her will to survive**

**It's the eye of the tiger, it's the cream of the fight  
Risin' up to the challenge of our rival  
And the last known survivor stalks her prey in the night  
And he's watchin' us all in the eye of the tiger**

After 600 the job was completed and a new record was broken!!

'Congratulations Konan. How do you feel?' Nukid asked

'OH GOD IT HURTS TO WALK!!' Konan screamed

'Doing fine Konan. You did an amazing job'

'Thanks. So how much do I get paid?'

'…..What? Since when were you getting paid?' Nukid asked confused

'That's why I did this! Don't tell me I've got nothing from this!?' Konan shrieked

'Well….you probably got every form of aids known to man. So consider that something. Besides you don't want money if you knew who was in charge of it now' Nukid explained

**Meanwhile….**

Kakauza is sitting behind a desk in a large bank seemingly happy

'Man there's no greater feeling than being surrounded by money. Nukid was right this job is the best' Kakuza cheered

A man then walked up to Kakuza desk 'Excuse me I would like to take out some money please'

Kakuza instantly dropped his smile and went dark

'I should warn you sir that is not very wise' Kakauza warned

'I did not want your opinion. Do as I say!'

'Very well sir. Follow me' Kakuza asked as he showed the amn into a small room in the corner of the bank

'Err why do we need to go in….OH GOD WHAT THE HELL YOU DOING!? STOP SAWING THAT OFF I NEED IT TO JOIN THE BANG KONAN QUEUE!!'

**(Sigh) I finally did it. I've updated this fic. I apologies deeply everyone. This will never happen again (Hopefully)**


	3. Hidan, Itachi and Kisame

Hey everyone. Here's chapter 3. Enjoy

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Hidan walked from house to house on a street holding leaflets. He walked to the next house and knocked on the door

'Hello. How can I help you?' the man living in the house asked

'Hello sir. I'm from the Church of Jashin. I have come to change your live and help you bask in Jashin's glorious light' Hidan preached

'Sorry but me and my families not interested. We already belong to a religion' the man then attempted to close the door but Hidan put his foot between it

'Now now sir. Don't be afraid to change. Jashin is the truth path in this world' Hidan preached

'I said no! I'm sticking to my religion' the man said angrily

Suddenly Hidan grabs the man by the throat and lifts him in the air

'Really know, and what religion do you happen to belong to?'

'S..s..scientology' the man choked

**The next day….**

At the same house there was police around the house while a news reporter was doing a live action shooting

'Yesterday a whole family was savagely killed and mutilated by an unknown man. There has been no word as to who the murderer was' the news man explained

The news man was then given a sheet of paper. He read it and then looked at the camera

'Breaking news. It has been discovered that the murdered family were Scientologists. So on behalf of myself and most of the world, I would like to thank the man who killed them and ask if he wouldn't mind killing Tom Cruise'

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Itachi sat in an attorneys office as a man looked at his papers

'Yes, yes. I must say Mr Uchiha I am very impressed. Excellent IQ, very young, and eyes which can figure out a persons actions before committing them. You're perfect for the role of Lawyer' the man complimented

'Thank you! Finally I've got myself a job! And a good paying one at that' Itachi cheered. However he noticed the shocked face on the man

'It…it…it says here….you…you hate DragonBall Z…'

'Yea I do. Does it matter?' Itachi asked

The man slowly pressed a button on his desk and said through a speaker attached

'Security, please escort Mr Uchiha out of here'

**5 minutes later…..**

'DAMMIT. WHY DOES EVERYONE LIKE DRAGONBALL Z EXCEPT ME?!' Itachi screamed as guards dragged him on the floor

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Nukid sat in Moe Tavern from the Simpson waiting to be served

'Hey Nukid. What're you doing here?' Moe asked

'Hey I haven't made an appearance in this chapter so far. I must have screen time you know' Nukid said smugly

'..Right. Anyway what do you want?' Moe asked

'Hmmm. I think I'll have the week special fish burger' Nukid told him

'O.k. Though it my take a while since the fish I'm using is still alive' Moe then pointed to the floor where a tied up Kisame lied

'Nukid! What kind of a fucking job is this?!' Kisame shouted

'Hey it's a good job. All you have to do is lie there and do nothing. I think you're pretty lucky' Nukid said

'Please Nukid! SAVE ME!!' Kisame pleaded

'Hey Moe. I'll give you a hundred bucks if you trick Homer into eating his balls'

**Three down. Five to go. Stay tuned**


	4. Zetsu,Deidara, Sasori, Pein and Tobi

Hey everyone. I decided to finish this story off so I could move onto another. So here's the final chapter

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Zetsu stood outside a huge building in South America. On it the Nazi flag was hung, and the place smelled of evil

'Why would Nukid send me here?' Zetsu wondered. Suddenly the front doors opened and out came a short, plump man with blonde hair wearing all white

'Ah mister Zetsu! Ve Haff veen waiting hours vor your unrrival!' exclaimed the man in a very german voice

'Um….what is this place?'

'Vhy thiz iz Millenium! The lazt of the Third Reich! Loverz ov war, and the only Vampire army! I am it's leader, Ze Major!' the Major greeted

'Vampires? You mean actual blood sucking vampires?!' Zetsu exclaimed

'Indeed. Nukid told uz ov your 'joy' for human flesh. Millenium always exzeptz people like, and ve vant you join us Zetsu'

'Let me get this straight. You want me to join your group of human eating, war loving army?'

'Correct

'…………….**I've got a golden ticket! I've got a golden twinkle in my eye!**'

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Deidara was pretty confused when he was told to go on a stag facing hundreds of people watching. It seemed to be some kind of debate, but why should Deidara be here?

'Umm what is all this hmm?' Deidara asked the crowd

'You're Deidara aren't you? Aren't you here to talk about the hardships of being handicapped and how overcome it?' one man shouted. Deidara's eye widened with anger

'Oh not this Tourretes shit again hmm! DAMN YOU NUKID I DON'T HAVE TOURRETES HMM!!' Deidara shouted. The crowd looked confused

'This….isn't about having Tourretes….it's about coping with being a she-male!' the man explained. Deidara looked closer and noticed everyone there was a man…..but very feminine

'WHAT?! I'M A SHE-MALE AS WELL NOW HMM?!' Deidara screamed. Suddenly Orochimaru stood up

'Don't worry Deidara! You're not the only bad guy here!' Orochimaru cheered. Deidara however just threw a bomb at him

'SHUT IT OROCHIMARU!! I DON'T WANT YOUR OPINION YOU MICHEAL JACKSON LOOKALIKE HMM!!

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Sasori walked into Moe's bar in Springfeild where Itachi was sitting in too. Both had equally glum faces

'Sasori! Guess by your face you've had little look too' Itachi sighed

'Aye. Wherever I went I got the same decline!' Sasori groaned remembering past events

'_Sorry! If you couldn't beat Sakura, then you have no chance as a policeman'_

'_Sorry! If you couldn't beat Sakura, then you have no chance working in McDonalds'_

'_Sorry! If you couldn't beat Sakura, then you have no chance as a prostitute'_

'I think Nukid hates us' Sasori noted

'It could be worse. I hear Pein's has it bad' Itachi replied

**Meanwhile….**

'This is bullcrap!' Pein cursed as he polished Nukid shoes. Nukid grinned sheepishly as all six Peins worked around Nukids house doing all his work

'Damn it Nukid! Why have you made us into your slaves?!' Pein demanded. Nukid laughed

'I figured since there was six of you, you'd be perfect to be my house maids. Not slaves though! Sexy Konan is my slave' Nukid gargled

'I you just ran out of ideas didn't you?' Pein accused. Nukid nodded

'Hey I wanted to finish this fic, so I could move onto another. I've had this one going too long. Now if you stop complaining I make make you Sephiroth in my future 'all Naruto cast FF7 Advent Children parody' Nukid stated **(hooray for shameful advertisement!)**

'Fine! But is there anyone you didn't screw in this story?' Pein asked. Nukid sat on the couch and turned on the T.V.

'Well there was one I gave a good job to….' Nukid and Pein then looked at the T.V., and Pein gasped at what he saw

'Ladies and Gentlemen, may I give to you the new president of the United States….Tobi!' Announced a man. The TV screen then cut to the White House Office, where Tobi sat at the office

'My fellow Good Boys! It is an honour to be the new president of fat land! As President I have many new ideas which will help fat land soar into an age of peace! First, every Tuesday is 'Good boy' day, in which every person you greet you must call a goody boy! Also every Thursday is now 'weird pairing day', where every American must log on to , and write a romance fic of the strangest pairing imaginable. Remember, the weirder the better!' Tobi preached

'…….You made Tobi the president of America……ARE YOU RETARDED?!! Don't you realise Tobi will practically destroy America from the inside?' Pein asked

Nukid shrugged 'I'm British, I don't give a fuck……'

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Nukid: Well here's another fic done. I'm finishing a few lately

Pein: Well you have so many planned, you need finish these

Nukid: True. Anyway next fic I will start is my Spiderman parody! Stay tuned for that one!

Tobi: **Spiderpig! Spiderpig! Does whatever a Spiderpig does**

Everyone: SHUT UP TOBI!


End file.
